Listening to the Blue

The Beauty of Keats

2006-05-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripened grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starred face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love!- then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till Love and fame to nothingness do sink.

The Joys of High School

2006-03-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's possible to forget that one actually has a blog. But I just did...for almost five months; this whole grade 12 thing is definitely more than I bargained for. It's kind of stupid actually. Scholarship and university applications in particular: I've never felt so mediocre in my life! Suddenly everyone's worth is narrowed down to who has the best grades? the most extra-curriculars? work experience? volunteer hours? references? talent?? The word "leader" is thrown around all over the place. Their ideal candidate? A LEADER that has a 97% average, dedicated involvement in athletics, excellence in the arts and/or sciences, a random outstanding talent of some sort (band geek perhaps?), job experience, major community involvement, and if that weren't enough, a significant contribution of some sort, such as saving the poor or heck, maybe even a cure for cancer while they're at it. Oh, and did I mention the sunny, positive attitude?! Argh! Damn over-achievers screwing up the grading curve and raising standards to ridiculous heights!!!

Everyone also assures me that this is child's play compared to university. Whoopee.

So Long Sweet Summer

2005-10-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

I have the back-to-rain-and-deadlines blues...

Vive la France!!!

2005-08-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's taken me four months to get over jet lag. Ha, just kidding. I'm really quite horrible at maintaining this blog. I hate how I've just been offline for a few months but already I'm behind on everyone's life. It's like missing four months of episodes of your favourite show. There's just no way you can catch up with everybody, they just blog on without you.
Anyways, bout France trip '05. Never experienced anything quite like it.. It was with the school and it involved doing a homestay (my favourite part) in the French Alps before taking the train to Paris where we stayed at a youth hostel. Before flying home we spent two days in ridiculously expensive, but awesome nonetheless, London.
Some lows: landing in Iceland for three hours because some guy had a heart attack false alarm, 24 hours of travelling/no sleep, showing up at my homestay family looking like nuked crap, being baffled as they spout off incomprehensible rapidfire french, almost getting scammed by Asian ladies on the Champs Elysees, pubes on the bedsheets at the London hostel (ugh), hearing American music everywhere (JLo's singles were played every hour on the hour), and of course, having to come home.
Some highs (brace yourself): lifelong friendships with my french homestay family, skiing on the friggin' French Alps (home of Evian!!), my frenchies understanding the garbled "franglais/ frenglish" that I used, the five-day blissful-yet-freaking-out-at-the same-time fling with a French guy, the ten kajillion types of mouldy cheese, the absolutely AMAZING photographic opportunities in Paris, seeing the Eiffel Tower and freaking out like the typical tourist underneath it, wearing a beret and having a baguette fight on the top with a pal, dancing to Euro-techno (wooooot!), co-ed washrooms, enough inside jokes with my friends to write a book about, the food on British Airways, escargot, getting kissed everytime someone greets me (gotta love les bises!), heavily accented English, two flushes on the toilet (big load, small load), the crazy shopping, the amazingly hot guys there, the chic clothing (I didn't see sweatpants anywhere except on my own legs), the crazy-cool architecture, the blow-your-mind artwork in the Louvre and the Centre Pompidou, musicians on the Metro, double decker buses in London, driving on the WRONG side of the road, getting hooked on French films and music, yelling "VIVE LE CANADA" at the top of our lungs on top of the Eiffel Tower, "squat" toilets in the public washrooms, learning swear words, attending English class at the school, being asked if I was "ungry", hot dog baguettes, and whooooa I'm really getting on a roll. I'll stop here.
Hope that didn't bore anyone to tears. But you get the point. It was amazingly, incredibly, mind-blowingly, supercalifragilisticexplialidociously FUN. And after the trip, I drove everyone over the edge ranting on and on about France. Don't need the same to happen to my blogger friends too...
I'll include some of the black and white photos I took in Paris for your viewing pleasure. And let me tell you, this is just the black and white ones. I took over 500 digital shots, PLUS eight rolls of colour film. And yes, I know that's insane but how can I help it??!! I was in PARIS for fricks sake. City d'Amour, city of lights and all that jazz....
Sorry bout the dirty negatives btw. I was so impatient to see my prints that I did a crappy developing job. This was my first time taking street shots of people. I never did end up asking anyone. I had to resort to stealth and cunning. My main method was to pretend to adjust my camera when really looking through it. I would then place the camera on my lap, look off to the side and discreetly press the shutter. Ha! Pathetic, but it worked!

After the Drought

2005-03-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

Christ, it's been CENTURIES since I last blogged. This feels so weird! Kind of like putting on a pair of stiff new jeans on, if that makes any sense. Bizarre how I wasn't even aware that I had two different lives; my daily reality and my internet "life". One can definitely experience more in the real world :-P
Since my last entry, I have skiied in the French Alps (home of Evian!), been crushed on by a bisexual art fanatic, tasted mouldy cheese and escargots, had an abortive romance with a hot French garcon, stood on top of the Eiffel Tower, possibly got fired from my job, risked my life crossing the streets of London where everyone drives on the wrong side (well they assured me that WE drove on the wrong side. hmmmph!) and eaten baguettes three meals a day.
Definitely not stuff I can write about in a single post. I'll be back (said with Arnold Schwarzenegger accent) with photos and blow by blow accounts! Until then, gonna get some shuteye. Jet lag is the pits.

Gong Hey Fat Choy!!!!

2005-02-16T19:05:00.000-08:00

Boy oh boy do I loooooooove Chinese New Year!!!!!

Distractions

2005-02-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

Feedback please! It's my first attempt photographing "human form"(whatever that means). I basically took pictures of body parts I found intriguing. It's insane how it's opened my photography "eyes". Suddenly I see potential photos in everyone; the curve in my classmate's neck, the tendons in some random forearm. Ack. It's distracting! It took me ten full seconds to realize that the customer at my checkstand was trying to hand me his money; I was too busy staring at his prominent and extremely photogenic adam's apple :-P. There's this one guy I know who has the most beautiful hands I've ever seen. How am I supposed to approach this kind of situation?! Oh hello, pleasant weather we're having today....would you mind terribly if I took a picture of your hands? I think they're really pretty. Thanks.
Going to go brainstorm some less awkward approaches...at this point, my best plan is to sneak up on him when he's napping.

Tsunami

2005-02-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

They say we’re in a state of emergency
So how come no one is panicking
Where were you when they wrote the news
And how are you, are you feeling blue?

Well, the paper doesn’t cause too much of a fuss
Perhaps it’s because it’s not, it’s not sad enough
Where were you when they wrote the news
And how are you, are you feeling blue?

You’ve never seen the colour blue
Call me in the morning, we’ll go for toast and tea
Where were you when they broke the news
And how are you, are you feeling blue?

You’ve never seen the colour blue
You’ve never seen the colour blue

-Chantal Kreviazuk

My Freakish Culinary Cravings

2005-02-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

While "studying" I snack on anything edible I can get my hands on. Here are some of the stuff that I seem to prefer...

1) Melted Cheese- you know those cracker barrel cheese things? I plop one on a plate, pop it in the microwave and nuke it for about twenty seconds. Out comes gooey, oiley, warm goodness! (and yes I know it's disgusting)
2) Chicken Broth- don't ask.
3) Purdy's Chocolates- duh. As a consequence of overindulgence, zits have started a colony on my forehead. Not cool. On the plus side, my parents have appreciated me clearing out all the Christmas chocolates..
4) Super Pulpy OJ- I think I've downed over four litres of this stuff- unadulterated. If I'm not imagining things..my complexion is starting to look a little orangey.
5) Hot Water- the perfect OJ chaser.
6) Caesar Salad- my mother walked downstairs at 2 am in the morning for a cup of water and saw me standing at the counter, tossing my salad. To her credit, she just rolled her eyes.

Pre-Exams: 112 lb. Post-Exams: 113 lb. :-|
Goin' out for a run.....

Post-Exam

2005-02-02T01:32:00.000-08:00

It's over at last. Excuse me while I slip into the oblivion of sleep....

Academic Crisis

2005-01-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

Exam Week. Funny how those two words can bring up a smorsgabord of negative feelings. I am so stressed right now it literally feels like there's a giant hand pressing on my back. After averaging five hours of sleep a night for two weeks, my body has reached a semi-conscious state of living. Everything is on autopilot. I randomly fell yesterday. The sad part is that I was on my hands and knees for a few seconds before I realized I was on the ground. Yeah. That bad. Don't think I can stand much more of this. I have the weekend to study before I have three more exams on Monday and Tuesday. Gack. So Wednesday is the the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost there......I'm getting so disorientated, I find myself writing physics notes in french. This has honestly got to stop. And when I stop to take those precious few "power naps", random phrases flit though my head. The focal length is positive for converging lenses and negative for diverging lenses. L'imparfait s'utilise pour decrire un etat passe, des faits habituels au passe, ou des faits repetes au passe. A quadratic function has a defining equation that can be written in the form y= ax squared + bx + c. Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity is based upon two fundamental assumptions called postulates. Prove segment AB is equal to CD using the Central Chord Property. Your eyes must have glazed over just reading that. You can imagine how quickly I fall asleep.
Here is the biggest, freaking project I've ever been assigned before in French. And the teacher gave us hardly enough time. This poster, writeup, oral shebang has been my LIFE for the past week and a half.

Waterworks

2005-01-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

Here's my photo project number 5...the last one of the year :-(. We were assigned "water" which was pretty open-ended. I was really excited to get some creative shots. Already I was envisioning trippy reflections in puddles, drops on windows, some wet roads etc etc. But alas! The weather gods are obviously a sadistic bunch. It snowed the next day. All my artistic hopes were crushed. So confined to the indoors, I was forced to take some rather generic shots of wineglasses. Sigh. Anyways, let me know what you think...criticism especially appreciated! I won't get offended, honest! And yes, I know my negatives are filthy; can never remember not to plop them on any available surface. On a side note, right after I had shot off my film and developed it, the heavens opened and we received the biggest rainfall the city had ever seen in years. They must really enjoy taunting me up there.

Future, Schmuture

2005-01-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

The weather sucks. I never knew how much it affected my mood until yesterday. After three days of sunshine, I woke up to a sludge coloured sky. It's raining like there's no tomorrow right now. The expression "raining cats and dogs" comes to mind. Except in this case, it's raining houses and 747 jumbo jet planes. Even worse, the basement of my school is flooded so I am barred from the small piece of land I own in this school, i.e. my locker. The sensation of having dry socks has long-since been forgotten.
Added to that, our course programming coming up. As grade 11s, we are expected to have very precise, specific ideas of where we want our lives to go after high school. In reality, many of us clueless teenagers have no freaking idea. It's not that I haven't been thinking about it. I have. So much that my head hurts. I've just never really wanted anything badly in my entire life. Never had something that I love to do (other than sleeping, but they're hardly going to pay me for that). I don't know what I'm good at, I only know what I'm bad at. I've been entertaining the following (vague) notions:
Option #1- Pharmacist
This was my parents idea. Apparently, pharmacists will be in high demand in the future, meaning they get paid quite a bit per year. This also means they can retire early. I have no real objections to this job. I mean it sounds extremely dull, but this one's the best so far.
Option #2- "Doctor"
This job's the one that all kids want when they're still naive (i.e. me). They don't really consider the TEN more years of schooling that follows. Added to that: the enormous amount of student loans you'd have to pay off, the crazy work hours and overall stress levels.
Option #3- Something Artsy-Fartsy (i.e. graphic artist, photographer)
These sound like the funnest jobs so far. However, my lack of artistic talent is a serious problem. Art schools around here are extremely difficult to get into. True, I have artistic skills, but I don't think I have the talent or creativity to really stand out from the other appliers. Also, unless you were really successful, I don't think artists earn a lot.
Option #4- Olympic Athlete
Haha. Yeah right.
As you can see, that list was pretty sad. As a youth, I should bursting with idealism. Sixteen years old, ready to make a difference, make my voice be heard, blah blah. My future is bright and full of possibilities. It's pathetic how much useless potential I have. I don't know what to do with it all. Other than the artsy option, I'm not real enthusiastic about anything else. I don't even know what my strengths are. I'm pretty much an all-around good student. High As on the exception of physics (one thing's for sure: I won't ever be a physicist. So one down, five kajillion to go!)
I'm depending entirely on the assumption that once I get into university, I will be struck with enlightenement. Suddenly I will have passionate ambitions and dreams that I can work towards! I have been without direction for so long the very idea is ludicrous. Ack. Gonna stop thinking about it. At the moment, my plan b seems the most attractive: Look for me at your local intersection. I'll be the one holding the squigee.

Randomness

2005-01-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

This is what's printed on page 81 of my agenda book:

It is impossible to lick your elbow. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

I hate being a statistic.

Life in a Nutshell

2005-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.”

“This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. ”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ”

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

“All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss.”

-Douglas Adams

Perspective?!

2005-01-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Perspective. It's a word thrown around a lot by adults, namely my parents. If I gain perspective, the bumps and obstacles in my life wouldn't seem like such a big deal. I was reading this young adult type novel just the other day. The author put it in a way much better than I could ever say it: "Perspective basically guarantees that there's no such thing as a pure emotion. Every emotion is based on how sucky (or not) something is in relation to something else that has already happened."
I mean, look at the tsunami disaster over in Asia. I can't even begin imagine what kind of despair and anguish the people there are going through. I mean on the death count alone, it's like, 9/11 multiplied by 12 (or more)?! It makes my own problems seem extremely petty and trivial in comparison. Hell, at least I HAVE parents to complain about. I know if I were to witness and/or experience a catastrophe like that I would get perspective. But even knowing this, I can't get myself to feel grateful for my current situation. I'm sad for the victims...but it's as if the tsunami is happening too far away for it to be real. Even when I imagine it, I see it in the movie style, detached. The way films are made. Like not real. Seeing it like a sheltered little suburban girl would. I know nothing of fear and hunger and death. I feel guilty for the way my life is so freaking normal while other people starve to death. People struggle between life and death while I waste valuable time writing about my insignificant problems on my blog.
And like the same author put it: "It kind of makes me wish that the worst thing that will ever happen to me will just hurry up and happen already. That way I could live the rest of my life in bliss, if only because I know how much worse things could be." Again, totally like me to turn something terrible that's happening to people into something shallow about me again. Am I a really screwed up individual or what??

Chinatown

2005-01-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm currently taking a beginner photography course at school. It's so much fun!! Here's some of the better stuff from my street photography assignment. These are mostly scenes from the Chinatown/Gastown area. I was too chicken to take any pictures of people; the idea of approaching total strangers to ask them for their photo was way too intimidating. I'm still exasperated with myself :-). Anyways, feedback is more than welcome! My mark could always use a little boosting...

Letters to No One

2004-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom and Dad,
You guys are driving me nuts.

Dear Weird Guy at My Checkstand,
Please don't call me "sweetheart". Also, kindly grab a pack of that excel gum off the rack to the left of your face. You need it. The public needs it. Thank you.

Dear Jude Law,
You have an extremely symmetrical face. For that reason, I can stare at your poster on the back of my bedroom door for hours.

Dear Physics,
If you were a person, I would cheerfully strangle you.

Dear Snow,
When are you coming????

Dearest Little Sis,
You owe me $2.50 moron. Pay up or I'm going to start charging you interest. Oh yeah, you "borrowed" my grey hoodie two months ago and I want it back.

Dear Glasses,
I would greatly appreciate it if you informed me of your whereabouts. I think being able to see more than four feet in front of oneself is rather important. But only a bit. I mean, if you wanted to take your bloody time showing up, I'm just FINE with it.

Dear K.B.,
You're falling into that old high school trap again. What is it with popularity that makes everyone want it?! Just remember that when the going gets rough, we'll always be here for you.

Dear Christmas Presents I've Yet to Buy,
I wish you guys could be sitting under the tree on Christmas Eve, all tidily wrapped and ready to open.

Dear Carolers in the Old Navy Commercial,
Please shut up.

Dear Prince Charming,
Where the #$@% are you?!

does it matter?

2004-12-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

Carrying up one hand falling
Into love step by foot
It hurts so! Crying upon my
Bed wondering what I say
Tomorrow. Don't screw up.
It's hard
Per second per word doesn't
Matter my heart shed no faith but my
Core carrying everything
Life growing up
Gunz and knives
In my face
Manic depression
Running from scary thoughts
Keeping stable
feelings low and under
pressured. Low facts about life but
gaining like a chip cut the shit
and spit it
'cause the more you hold up
things, the crazier I get
doesn't matter
matter it doesn't

-Frank Lyon, One L.O.V.E.

Marraige

2004-12-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

I finally had the long overdue "heart-to-heart" with my dad today. Let's just say I felt older coming out of it than going in. It basically consisted of him spilling out all the irritating and hurtful things my mom has "done to him" over the course of their sixteen (!) year marraige. I didn't interrupt his rant. Not even when he totally blew the situation way out of proportion. And let me tell you, once he started, he couldn't stop. Like an overflowing dam or something. I had no idea how miserable these two people are. I guess it's tough to realize that your parent's marraige isn't all disney and fairy tale like. Happily ever afters are seriously overrated. And yes, there's a long life after the princess and prince are wed.
The thing my dad said that sticks out most in my head was the fact that he felt like his wife was a total stranger to him now. That makes me sad beyond belief. He went on to say that one day, when I'm married, I'd have the same problems. Jesus Christ. No freaking way I'm getting married then. What a mess.
To make things worse, I'm now their confidante. I feel as if I'm being pulled in two directions. And being on the outside in looking in, I am privileged with the clarity of the situation. JUST STOP BEING SO STUBBORN AND TALK HONESTLY TO EACH OTHER FOR PETE'S SAKE. Geez. To be fair, they're perfectly genial to each other. Each pretending nothing is wrong. But I know it's just a surface, to comfort me perhaps?? I just wish they could be happy together again. But as much as I'd like to, I can't fix all the problems in the world. Meanwhile, I have my life to get back to.
Thanks mom, thanks dad. I'm growing up now.

Wasted Youth

2004-12-13T22:17:00.000-08:00

I think all can agree that high school is definitely not "the best time of your life", contrary to popular Hollywood belief. Really, when thinking back to my early years at secondary school, I get strong flashes of insecurity, depression and boredom. It took me a couple more years to get more comfortable within myself but even then, nothing really changed. I mean, what was inside me changed but my surroundings remained the same. The rock got stronger but the currents running around it flowed just as swiftly; peer pressure, conformity, the never-ending race for "popularity". And that's the group of people that I really wanted to talk about: the social "elite" of high school. The kind of people that think they're being hip or grown up or cool or whatever by "partying" and drinking and taking drugs and basically doing their best to destroy the few brain cells they have. Have they ever looked beyond the next weekend? Have they ever thought about responsiblity?!!!
A teacher once told me how she saw students, bright and full of potential, waste their talents by making the wrong choices. This happens year after year. This is so infuriating. These kids take their life of security and comfort granted. If a third world country adolescent were presented with the same opportunities that youngsters here are, I GUARANTEE they'd make more of it. That is not to say all teenagers are lazy and dumb. I like to think I am part of the large group of them that aren't. In fact, I often get annoyed when adults make stereotypical assumptions about youth. It's that minority that gives us the bad rep. I realize I sound like some lecturing middle-aged parent; I don't care. I can practically SEE the future of these slackers. Sometime around their mid-20s while working two minimum-wage jobs to help pay the rent, they're gonna realize they should have tried harder. Too late, morons.
And parents, do not stand back and do nothing. Your kids are the future. You guys should be as scared as I am to trust them with it.

Dare You To Move

2004-12-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

Learning to Breathe

2004-12-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to the Switchfoot concert. It was absolutely AMAZING. True, I suffocated, got plastered on my fellow concert goers, got elbowed on all parts of my body and lost about three litres of liquid in the form of sweat (ick) but all that didn't matter when Jon Foreman opened his mouth and crooned out the lyrics to "Twenty-four". :-) I've been feeling more positive these days too. Something about their songs really leave me feeling more energized:

Hello, good morning, how You do?

What makes Your risin' sun so new?

I could use a fresh beginning too

All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is a way, that I say I need You

This is a way

This is a way



That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies



Hello, good morning, how You been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that

I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad



I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

These abundant skies

Yeah, abundant skies, yeah



This is a way that I say I need You

This is a way that I say I love You

This is a way that I say I'm Yours

This is a way

This is a way



That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

(Learning to breathe)

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

(Living again, awake and alive)

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

(I'm dyin')

Yes I'm dying to breathe in

(I'm dyin')

These abundant skies

These abundant skies, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm learning to breathe

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how You do?

How You do?

How You do?

(I'm dyin')

John

2004-12-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

Can you see what I see?
No I don't think you can
I see images of nothing
and I attempt to make that
nothingness mean something
As hard as I try there is
still nothing and that nothing
is meaningless
I am somewhere else now, outside
I am surrounded by people and
the sky. I see the people and the
blueness of the sky
but still nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
I am still alone

-Melina Marchetta, Looking for Alibrandi

Tired

2004-12-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

The burden of my parents marital problems is a heavy one.

Dear Annie

2004-11-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so in need of some venting right now it's not even funny. Let me do a little introductory bit so you blog therapists know what I'm talking about. I have great parents. They're everything all my other friends' parents aren't. They give me space and rarely cling. They NEVER bug me about schoolwork and nag only minimally. It's great!! Added to that is the fact that my family is pretty close as a unit. I can talk to my mum about girl things and other random things with my dad. I'd say they're the people that know and love me the best. So I really have nothing to complain about. And I don't...not about my relationship with my parents. But I do about their relationship with each other.
My father has something of a quick temper. Well I guess I should rephrase that...it's easy to provoke him into anger...and when he's angry it's explosive. He literally puts a whole new meaning on the definition of 'spazzing out'. It's irritating and intimidating at the same time. When I was little I used to cry all the time when that temper was directed at me. Actually I'd probably cry now. It's just that he rarely gets mad at me now because I don't give him a reason to. But that just means it gets spewed on my mom. And when it does, I do the cowardly thing and book it outta there. Go upstairs, clamp on my earphones and drown in some angry music. Meanwhile my mom is downstairs taking the brunt of it. It's pretty bad. He yells and swears (the word fuck is not uncommon from my father's mouth. talk about good examples) and just basically has a fit. Anything you say will be the wrong answer and will be used against you.
It gets me so angry. After when he slams out of the house to cool down I usually find my mom sitting by herself just staring off into space. When I sit next to her and just hold her hand I can tell she's struggling not to cry. Can't he see he's hurting her???!! What the hell is wrong with him anyways??
Anyways, today was one of those days. It started trivial enough. Mum mentioning that my aunt is going back to full-time work after taking time off to take care of my cousin. Dad remarking that they don't even really need the extra boost in income. He said that they're boring, because they don't even use their money to have fun or go on vacation. I believe the direct quote was "sitting around waiting for old age to come". Mum disagreed and said something in their defense. Frankly, I disagreed too; not everyone likes to travel. I mean even I know that my aunt and my uncle are more homebodies than vacationers. And that just set him off. "I can't even talk to you anymore!! You're so boring!" It pretty much continues on like that. I REALLY didn't want to butt in. Just pretended to ignore it. But mom was really quiet in the front seat when they dropped us off at school.
Afterwards, my mom told me that he got riled up after we left. She was getting pretty emotional herself telling it to me. He actually told her that she was 'full of shit'. What kind of insensitive person says that??? If someone I barely knew said that to me I'd be hurt, never mind your so-called soul mate. She just looked so tired after that, and sad. It makes my heart literally ache. Don't get me wrong though. My mom isn't a pushover in any way. It's just that you can't really yell back. It'd be like trying to budge a stone wall. The best thing you can do is wait till the worst is over.When he's in a rage he won't hear you. Once I tenatively asked my mom whether she loved him (who can love someone who gets like that?) and to tell you the truth, I really didn't want to hear the answer. But she said she was. The truth? Or did she just not want me to know?? It's all confusing.
This has really gone far enough. I'm sick to death of having to tiptoe around him. After all, this was hardly the worst episode. There have been FAR worst in the past. I won't recount them now. I'm in a black mood and if I think about it some more I'm going to explode.
I have to stop being so cowardly and just ask him bluntly. Maybe when I'm alone with him I'll just ask him, straight out, why do you get so angry?? Not in an accusatory way however. He's pretty sensitive (oh the irony). If only I could summon up the nerve. But really, if I can't talk to him about this, who can? This has been on my mind for a while now.It's just that I keep putting it off and then forgetting about it.But anytime stuff like today happens it brings back all the frustration. And it's about time it stopped too. Everyone's entitled to their flaws, but they should be trying to improve them. In my dad's case, he's never even acknowledged them, never mind apologize for his behaviour. It's as if afterwards, he doesn't remember how freaky he was. Like some sort of hulk fit. I can see the same tendencies in my grandma and my younger sister as well. They have short fuses as well. But heredity is NOT an excuse to act that way. He once got angry at me for chewing on my fingernails. He said it was a weakness and compared it to taking drugs (????). He then said that if I couldn't stop it, that meant I wasn't strong enough. Same thing applies dad.
And you wanna know something else that bugs the hell out of me?? When he lectures my younger sister (her name's Zan) on controlling her temper. Counting to ten blah blah blah. What a hypocrite. What RIGHT does he have to do that? And when he gets all PMS-y, what kind of example is that to her???
I'm making damn sure Zan isn't going to turn out like him too though. Unlike with dad, I have no qualms about slapping her back in place. And besides, she hates it when he gets in his moods.
But that's enough of that. I feel better now. I guess writing about it helps. But I also wanted to do this so total strangers can read it and help. I mean things are usually clearer when you're on the outside looking in. So please...some advice.

The Beginning

2004-11-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

It perplexes me how some people can easily convert their thoughts from vague images and word jumbles in their head into coherent sentences on a sheet of paper. For me, somewhere along the way, something goes wrong and my words come out clumsy and awkward. Oh well. This "blogging" is my way of practicing. My english teacher should be oh so pleased with me....
And really, this blog thing is quite a brilliant idea in its simplicity (I mean, even the word 'blog' is pretty cool). It's almost like writing an intimate journal and then leaving it on the other side of the world in some foreign country where no one knows you. And hey! It's free..like the best things in life! But enough with the praisefest.....
So I'll start this off on that note...slightly unsure...grammatically incorrect...and supremely confused....